Unmasking the Lines Crossed in Relationships: Understanding Infidelity Definitions
Introducing Unveiled Desires, where I, a sex and relationship educator, delve into the intimate bond between sexuality and emotions. This month, we're diving into what isolates people from the label of cheating in relationships, and setting personal boundaries. Share your thoughts or ideas with me here.
Throughout my life, the understanding of infidelity has morphed and changed for me.
Cosmo Magazine
Terms of Service & Privacy PolicyBy the age of ten, being his lunch partner with another girl was a cringe-worthy betrayal.
At sixteen, I adhered to the definition of cheating distorted by the peers in my grade. This meant abstaining from porn, masturbation minus consent from the other person, and any form of communication with another gender.
At twenty-four, still confined in mainstream heteronormativity, I shaped my own definition of being unfaithful. Pursuing kisses or sexual encounters with other men was off-limits, whereas exchanging kisses with other women was acceptable, provided it occurred in the presence of my partner or was disclosed to them later on. Setting foot in strip clubs, flirtation with others, and consuming adult media were now permissible.
At twenty-seven, identifying as bisexual reshaped the definition for me. Fidelity encompassed all forms of emotional, romantic, and sexual involvement with someone else.
Now, at thirty-four, my definition hinges on any actions that compromise the trust and boundaries established with my spouse. This includes, but is not limited to, being romantically or sexually involved with someone else.
This shift in outlook parallels the development of greater openness in society, as pointed out by MoAndra Johnson, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. "Flirting, indulging in adult content, or exploring queer spaces independently serves as a means of asserting individual autonomy, identity, and self-expression," Johnson explains.
When I initially drafted this piece, my goal was to answer a reader's intriguing query: "Can cheating in a relationship potentially be advantageous?" Yet, I stumbled on finding a clear answer due to the ambiguous nature of infidelity. Although the majority agrees that engaging sexually with someone outside the commitment is unfaithfulness, interpretations vary as to other physical and emotional activities. Daydreaming, indulging in adult entertainment, frequenting queer parties, or forging friendships with the opposite gender are often suspected to pave the way for adultery, but not everyone sees them as dangerous.
[1] Allen, K. (2020, September 22). Ethical nonmonogamy — how to navigate and enjoy multiple partners while maintaining trust, commitment, and emotional closeness. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/polyamory-unleashed/202009/ethical-nonmonogamy-how-navigate-and-enjoy-multiple-partners-while
[2] Ballesteros, A., Faux, N. J., & Tiefer, L. M. (2009). The alternative sexual revolution: Erotic new frontiers, changing norms and the law. Routledge.
[3] Bell, S. P., & Weinberg, M. S. (2010). Non-monogamies: From sexual revolution to the contemporary the non-monogamous multiverse. Columbia University Press.
[4] Lavicka-Turner, B., Chipps, J., & Muise, A. E. (2018). Self-Determination Theory Predicts Individuals’ Engagement in Non-Monogamous Relationships: Three Waves of Longitudinal Analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(1), 88-99.
[5] Norton, M. M., & Sommers, S. M. (2009). Cheater, lover, friend, confidante: Complexities in casual sex dyads. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 35(2), 113-121.
In the shift from mainstream heteronormativity to self-identifying as bisexual, my definition of being unfaithful has evolved to encompass emotional and romantic involvement with someone other than my spouse, along with the importance of respecting personal boundaries and establishing trust.
Exploring topics such as ethical nonmonogamy, adult entertainment, and queer spaces can contribute to the personal growth and self-expression of individuals, and may not necessarily be deemed as threatening to the stability of relationships, according to various experts and studies in the field of health-and-wellness, relationships, and lifestyle.
